


What he really wants

by ajoy3



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Dark Arts, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape Friendship, Pining Severus Snape, Young Severus Snape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:01:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25109650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ajoy3/pseuds/ajoy3
Summary: “So it’s true then,” I feel my body tremble as I exhale a shaky breath. “You’re dating him.” The words come measured, controlled. Ever since I lost my temper that day, my words callous and careless, I make sure every word that passes through my lips has purpose. I won’t make the same mistake twice, even if it does mean a lot of tongue biting and significantly slowing my speech rate.I had heard the rumors, but refused to believe it until I saw it with my own eyes. Suddenly I’m cursing myself for being such a masochist. There really was no need to put myself through the singular torture of watching the woman I love, love someone else. I knew the pair had gotten close ever since our falling out- Potter had been sniffing around her for years- but I never thought she would actually reciprocate.Yet there she was, backed against a tapestry as Potter kissed her goodbye, walking away from her with hurried steps. She stayed behind, watching him go and I feel sick.
Relationships: Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	What he really wants

“So it’s true then,” I feel my body tremble as I exhale a shaky breath. “You’re dating him.” The words come measured, controlled. Ever since I lost my temper that day, my words callous and careless, I make sure every word that passes through my lips has purpose. I won’t make the same mistake twice, even if it does mean a lot of tongue biting and significantly slowing my speech rate.

I had heard the rumors, but refused to believe it until I saw it with my own eyes. Suddenly I’m cursing myself for being such a masochist. There really was no need to put myself through the singular torture of watching the woman I love, love someone else. I knew the pair had gotten close ever since our falling out- Potter had been sniffing around her for years- but I never thought she would actually reciprocate.

Yet there she was, backed against a tapestry as Potter kissed her goodbye, walking away from her with hurried steps. She stayed behind, watching him go and I feel sick.

She turns to me, surprised to have been seen, but the shock quickly fades. I’m transfixed as Lily schools her features and squares her shoulders, ready for a fight. “Not that it’s any of your business, Severus, but yes, I am.”

Not my business. Like she hasn’t been the center of my universe from the moment we met. My love for this witch is so large it has its own gravitational pull, but it's none of my business.

Control. I remind myself. I need to be in control.

“How can you be with a man like him?” I can hear the disgust in my tone and I wish I could make it stop. It sounds like my issues is with her, rather than him, and I’m only digging my hole deeper. “Potter’s a brute and a bully.” I can feel my lips curl in disgust.

She makes a face and my stomach is in knots. I realize that this is the first proper conversation we’ve had in months, and I wish we were talking about anything but her damn boyfriend.

“He’s not like that anymore.” She’s defending him, and it used to be me on her good side. The pair of us, against the world. “You don’t know James at all.” She’s crossed her arms over her chest, and knowing Lily, her fingers are probably thrumming with nervous energy.

“James now, is it?” It cuts into me, and I feel my control slipping. “Believe me, Lily, I know what James is like. He-”

“I know!” She’s yelling now, but I can tell she’s trying not to. Her pretty green eyes focused on the stone floor. “Believe me, I know. But he’s not like that, not anymore. He’s trying to be better!” She flashes me a look, and it’s so painful I have to steel myself. “Not like you, and your band of thugs.”

I can see her jaw clenching, and I know from experience she's grinding her teeth. I used to take her chin between my fingers, drawing her attention to me as I rubbed small circles, silently urging her to relax. ‘If you keep doing that, you’ll lose all your teeth and you’ll look like Old Lady Wellsby.” She’d laugh at that, a private joke at our old neighbor's expense, and I’d feel like I was on top of the world. I touched her so easily then. Now I’m afraid to take even a step closer.

“I know what your group of friends are up to. Avery was attacked just the other day. I recognized it, the curse. It was yours, wasn’t it? From 4th year?”

It was mine, but I didn’t cast it. Mulciber had liked it, and wanted to test it out on Avery.

“It wasn’t me. A bit of fun, that's all. How was that any different than what Potter and his friends did?” I can't control myself around her, every word, every phrase glides off my tongue with a mind of its own. I lose myself around Lily and I don’t know whether I hate it or I love it.

“It was cruel and dark, and I’m sorry you don’t see that Severus.” I haven't missed the way she's using my formal name, stiff and impersonal. The next time we meet, will I be Snape?

“How long until it's me then?” Her eyes are flush with tears and I dig my nails into my palm. “How long until I’m on the receiving end? Until one of you or one of your death eaters turns a wand on me?

“You know I would never hurt you! I would- I never-!” It’s pouring out of me, and I can’t stop it. Hurt her? How could I? In what world? In what universe could I purposefully inflict her pain? “I would never let-!” It's so unfathomable, I literally can’t put it into words. She has reduced to to a living cliche.

“I’m so sorry. You have to know how sorry I am.” The words rush out. I’ve said them more times than I can count, but I’ll keep saying them until she listens.

Lily purses her lips closed, holding back the words I want to hear. Her brow is furrowed, a slight tremble to it.

“I know.” She says finally, and there’s a pit in my stomach. “But not for the company you keep.”

We're back to this again. Back to the night, I threatened to sleep outside of Gryffindor Tower, back to the time she drew her line in the sand. It was final, for her at least. Why can’t it be both? If I could only make her see the potential of the dark arts, she would understand. I want her to understand its power so desperately. Were quiet as we consider each other, both unwilling to rehash what we already know. Finally, she speaks.

“I heard you were petitioning to take your mother’s name.” Her voice is softer, gentler. “You’re the last in the Prince family line, right? I’m sure the wizarding world would hate to let such an old name die out.”

I shrug, and all the energy has left my body. “I’d like… to distance myself from him.” From them. I don’t need to say it. The words are so implied they have weight. My distaste for muggles has only grown over the years, but Lily was always an exception.

She nods before tucking a stray lock behind her ear. She's gotten prettier since our spat, and from where I stand, I can see her summer freckles splashed across her nose, spreading onto her rosy cheeks. We counted them one summer, nothing better to do. I had so much time with her then, time to waste.

“You’ll really be one of them then.” Her eyes are sad and I want to crush her to my chest. It's excruciating to see someone so strong be so raw and vulnerable.

“You’ll be the half-blood Prince, and I’ll be the mudblood Evans.”

“Lily,” Her name sticks in my throat. “I didn’t mean-”

“I know.” She’s repeating herself. “You can be Prince to them,” and I know she's talking about the Death Eaters, her voice vibrating with anger. “And pretend you never ate dinner at my house, or snuck out with me at night. Or that I held your hand so tight on the platform our first year I left bruises on your palm. Be Prince, and throw away all your good parts.” She's breathing hard and I can’t believe I’ve worked her into such a state. Even when we fought that day, she had treated me with cool indifference. I watch as she swallows hard. “I’ll hold onto Snape.”

I don't know what to say, and that's the wrong move. She considers me for a moment, then adds rather sadly, “I hope this is really what you want, Sev.”

I watch as she turns on her heels and leaves, and I’m a coward. No, this isn’t what I want, to see her walk away from me. I should go after her, but I don’t. I just watch. You’re still my best friend. I want to say. I miss you. It's on the tip of my tongue, but that’s all. What good would it do now? She was with Potter, the star quidditch player, popular and sought after. Pureblood.

Even if Lily did forgive me, what use would it be? It’s not like Potter would approve of our friendship and join us in the Library. How could I ever hope to steal her away from someone like James Potter on my own?

She's gone, and so is the light. The choice she asked me to make, she made for us both. Without her by my side, there's nothing but the dark to give me comfort.

A/N: Theres no mention of Snape ever wanting to change his last name to his mothers maiden name Prince, but I feel like it really makes sense for his character at the time. We know Snapes distaste for muggles started with his abusive father, so it would have sense he would want to distance himself from someone like that. Add to it that Prince was a wizarding family, that would have appealed to Snape as he tried to fit in with his blood purity friends. We don’t know much about the Prince line, but one must assume it died out. Even if it were an option, I think Snape would have held onto his surname, because it connects to Lily.


End file.
